Recently, a realization hit me. My life has been really sheltered. Not to the extent that one would associate with homeschooled children (not that there’s anything wrong with that form of education….although my 2 years did place me a year behind my peers when I entered mainstream education), but in the fact that I have seen and experienced very little outside my little comfort zone of Memphis. At times, I could blame it on my parents and now on school and a lack of true traveling funds. What it all breaks down to, honestly, is fear. I am scared to leave my family and the steady pace of my life as it is. But, a life lived in fear cannot be true living. The blessing of one life to live may be the second greatest gift I have received. Squandering it by staying comfortable and sedentary would be, what seems to me, almost a sin. My desire to break out of this box may be coming at the perfect time. Graduation quickly approaches and with it an entire world of opportunities. Yes, graduate school is my primary plan for next fall, but I feel like, with God’s blessing, might be the springboard to me breaking out of this shell.
I am ashamed to admit that my walk with Christ has become too comfortable as well. My growth seems to have diminished and I am the one to blame for that. A routine is all too easy for me. I love spontaneity but with the stress of school, two jobs, volunteering, a social life, you name it, the best relationship I have is the first to go on the backburner. This susceptibility to denying the One who I owe my all, anything less than all of me is something I must strive to correct. I have found when I am putting my focus primarily on Christ, everything else seems to work out. How simple is that? That’s not to say I do any less work than I would without the focus on Him, but everything is much less stressful. As someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder, this situation will always be preferable. However, with my inane human ability to be selfish and think of myself before my Creator, I suffer, on an almost daily basis.
With this all being said, I feel as though I need to take time to be completely and utterly alone with God. I spend so much time talking, communicating, texting, tweeting, whatever, that it amazes me that He doesn’t give me laryngitis all the time so I shut up. Seriously, He didn’t say, talk all the time so we can understand. No, he stated, “Be still and know that I am God.” So, my goal for the next couple of months is to learn to be silent and learn from God. I’d love to find a silent retreat to be a part of, as I do not believe I have the willpower to go on that kind of journey alone. Who knows though? Maybe I’ll be ready for that sooner than I think.
